The assignment was to write about a wall or walls in their own personal life and how they discovered or got a "door" in it. Yea, got to get those deep thoughts going. I thought it was only fair that I make myself do the same thing.
I thought about the many walls I have hurdled over, dug under or opened a door. I made it through college with a BS in Social Work. I have navigated the dating sea and plunged into married life. I work everyday to be a better mom. Walls of tribulation, walls of sadness, and walls of fear each tried to stop me.
The current wall is a doozie. This one wall blocks my way to better self-esteem. Yes, even at age 30 one can get bogged down in hateful feelings toward one's self. I am very good at covering it up. I am a pro at acting like life is wonderful and full of rainbows and unicorns. However, there are days I don't want to get out of bed. I would rather burrow down under my blankets than face my reality.
I am fat. I know this. There is no denying it. I have even gone days without looking at a mirror because of this. It is my own fault. No one else to blame. I built my own "wall". I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to eat. I hate exercise. Not a good combination.
My wall stands high. This wall is all about losing weight that I can look at myself and be proud. It is a vanity issue as well as a health issue. I want to be around for along time. I want to be able to do fun things with my son. There are so many issues linking obesity to one's health
Recently, I made a promise to myself. Well, really a goal; a list that I have to complete this year. On it is to lose 30 pounds. I hope to lose more. Once I had made this decision I went looking for that door. I found it with my sister.
I had spoken with my sister about this tough issue. She is a health nut. I told her I need someone to be hard on me and to make me accountable. She on the other hand, had contacts with an online group who do just this thing. Since my sister has just started to go back to school she wouldn't be as reliable as she would want to be, so she hooked me up with a coach.
I now have a body coach that makes me check in daily. She never makes me feel bad for not working out but she will nag at me until I get off my lazy butt and do the work. She helps remind me that drinking water over juice is better for me. She reminds me that it is ok to have coffee. She doesn't judge me and she is always quick to answer questions for me. She cheers me on when I have currently lost 1 inch off the waist but no one can tell yet that I have done anything. She is my own personal door.
It is a thick wall and will take me awhile to defeat this brick and mortar. My door in the wall is open and I am choosing to step though it and work until this wall is behind me.
I am proud of you. Not because of your decision to exercise, but because of the great daughter and mom that you are. I want you around for a long time, too. When I hit 100, I want to be able to poke you. I have started a door also. I ride this stationary bike on occasion. I have to be more regular. I found out that my blood pressure is way high. So I have decided to ride more than 3 times each week. I also have added minutes to the routine - a total of 20 at this point. I've decided that it's better to exercise more than to give up coffee. But, I have cut back to 4 cups perday (most days). Keep up the great work. Your daddy loves you.
ReplyDelete