I can watch adult themed shows that do not air on PBSKIDS. I love SVU, The Goodwife, CSI and Chicago Fire, all are shows I can not watch while my son is around. I watch some night shows with him. We watch Amazing Race together every Sunday and The Taste on Tuesdays except they just changed the time of the show so now he will not be able to watch it anymore. On Wednesday he gets to watch Survivor with his daddy. Those are special things he gets to watch and stay up 30 min later than normal.
I can soak in a tub of scalding hot water (well not again until we have some plumbing fixed), a glass of a cold refreshing beverage, and a good book without knocking from a little boy or the yelling of "mommy? mommy? What are you doing? Why did you lock the door? Mommy can I come in? Mommy I miss you."
I can spend wonderful moments with my husband without a child bursting into our romantic moments. Or we can have an adult conversation without a child asking questions.
For the past few weeks I have started to dread the night. In my sleep I am visited from two enemies of my past.
As a young girl I can remember being awakened from my nightmares with a racing pulse and hellish pictures in my mind. I remember tip toeing into my parents room because the terror had chased me from my bed. My poor mother would be scared herself when I would touch her.
In one of the dreams I had been shrunken. I would be about as tall as a toothpick, just an inch or two. Whereas, everyone else along with everything else would be normal height. I would have to scurry around to conceal myself. Although hiding behind books or furniture never helped I was always discovered. Once discovered I would run for my life because those that found me would try to stomp me out. I was always running. I could never find a place to be safe. I would wake from these dreams out of breath and cold and clammy.
The second dream I truly believe is worse than being chased by giants. This dream begins with me in a room in a chair. It is a chair with armrests and with straps. I am strapped in by my arms, legs and even a strap that goes around my chest to hold me to the chair. The room where I am is dark. No light. Dark like the caves I have splunked through. At first it is complete silence and I feel as if the air is being sucked from the room. It is getting harder and harder to breathe. Then one voice than two then three, four, five, six, seven, and it keeps going on until I lose count on the number of voices I hear. Yet each voice is different so I know it is not just a few beings but many. They start out as whispers then go louder and louder and becoming so loud I feel the vibrations in my chest. Each word harsher than the last. Ugly! Stupid! Hated! Fat! Lazy! Filth! Disgusting! Unwanted! Worthless! and the list goes on. I try to open my mouth to scream yet my mouth is somehow gone. In the movie the Matrix when Keanu Reeves's mouth is sealed shut, that is what it feels like.
Other than the dreams where Gavin is hurt in someway these two dreams are the worst.
Lately I have fought off sleep because I am scared one of these two beasts will raise it's ugly head and torture me.
My nights are stolen from me.
I miss happy dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment