Glue

It is not that I have really been too busy to spend a few min on here and blog. I just have not had it in my heart to. There are many things that have slipped from my fingertips for the past couple of months.
I feel like I am walking through glue. I am not sure where I am going either. I put a goal in front of me and off I go. The further I go towards that goal the further it seems to go and the glue gets deeper. I push and I push then I find myself so suck in the glue my arms are stuck to my sides, my legs immobile, my mouth sealed shut so I don't even know how to talk to anyone.
So I don't. I dig a hole and live in it. Unless it is someone I have to see daily, I don't talk. And even to those who I see daily it is not like I tell them what is going on in my head. It is so hard to explain. I don't even know if I can. I myself don't understand it.
I can live my life with the outside looking shiny. I can post the happiest and the cutest pictures online and people think my life is so warm and friendly. I can make those closest to me feel like my feelings are of joy and support and love. It is a lie. I can live a lie. I am good at making people see what I want them to.
They don't see the tears in the shower. They don't see the anger I possess. They don't see the walls I have built around my heart. They don't see my wanting to crawl under my covers and live there. They don't see how easily my moods change.
Do not get me wrong. I do have moments of joy. I do have the cutest son on earth. I have a hubby who has found a great job. I got to spend a week with my best friend.
I do have good times. However, there is always this cloud over me. Yes a reference to Eeyore.
I try to get out of this funk. I have been here before to the land of Glue. I don't remember exactly what brought me out of it. I have been working out. Not as hard as I should I know but I am working out and I have been going for long walks. (except for this past week due to a trip I had taken). I am eating healthier than I have for years. Lots of veggies, fruit and chicken breasts. I do love salad with grilled chicken, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, red onion, carrot, bell peppers and sugar snap peas, sprinkled with lemon juice and salt and pepper. So good. See healthy. Good for me. I have been reading more the past few weeks. I have been out in nature, (esp this past week living in a tent). I have spent lots of time with my son.

This past week I was at a religious camp meeting. Spending time with others, and reflecting on one's personal relationship with a higher power. I watched my son make new friends. I watched as elderly couples cuddled up together to listen to the speaker. I watched as families all around me grew closer to God.

I use to have a strong relationship with God. I use to lean on Him so deeply. I can't tell you exactly when my path led me away from Him. I can't tell you it was this huge event that made me decide to leave His side. I can't tell you when I quit praying and really believing. But it happened.
It is hard now as a grown up to just accept and just believe. I have so many doubts or reservations. I understand why He says to be like little children. Adults complicate it. Adults want to reason it out. Adults want to be in control.

I have lived my life a certain way so long that it is hard to make any changes. It is hard to make the decision to believe.
I have so much hate in my heart. There are people in this world who I have held grudges against for years. I have let my soul get eaten at by this bile that I don't know how not to hate or be angry.
I have let pleasures of the flesh sooth my hurt for so long that I don't know how to deal with pain and suffering.
I have let selfish pride bully others into thinking I have a wonderful life and a secure beliefs.
I have found other things in life to fill an empty void.

I read my Bible as an adult today. Not with the attitude that I knew it all. I am beginning again. I am going to re-educate myself and study to see what my beliefs really are.

I do know that Sabbath is the seventh-day.
I do know that when you die...you are worm food until He comes back and brings us back to life.
I do know that denominations are only using the bible to destroy religion. The bible is not a toy. A bible is not used to hurt anyone. A bible is our answer. And so I am on a mission to find my answer. I am scared I will not like what I find and that I have been wrong about so many things. I have to embrace.
I do know that shoving religion down others throats is not the way to find Jesus or share Him with others.
I do know that the Bible will be my reference. Old and New testament.
I do know that this will change my life and I hope it is for the best.

Pray for me. Pray for my journey.